Have you ever been in a rut about yourself for a really long time? When you’re finally out of it and thinking clear you feel stunned? We’re going to be vulgar for a hot minute and say girl, what the fuck were you thinking? I can say that now because my mind is on track to a better place about myself and has been for a while now.
If you follow me on Instagram you’d see one of my last posts started like this “Growing up I used to wonder what all the mean girls and douchebag guys would call me if I wasn’t “fat” anymore”. And I did. I always used to wonder what they would possibly call me if I lost a shit ton of weight. Since I can remember being called fat was the only mean thing I ever heard. Being the chubby girl, the chubby friend always made me feel like that was the reason I wasn’t good enough. It was my downfall.
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I always thought
I wasn’t good enough for the douchebag guys and broken friendships in my past. I was convinced I wasn’t good enough for anything good life was going to throw at me. Let’s be real, everyone always judges a book by it’s cover and my cover was being the big girl. These are the shitty things I used to tell myself daily. Which brings me back to the first line of this, what the fuck was I thinking?
I was really hard on myself, day in and day out. I was negative, and ruthless, I truly stopped loving myself and seeing my worth. It didn’t matter when the people around me would tell me they loved me and how beautiful I was. In my head it was all a crock of shit. You should see the things I wrote in my Journal. (If you don’t have one, get one! I swear it helps to just get all the things out! This one is my current favorite.) This went on for a long time, for as long as I can remember really. I don’t remember exactly when I decided to wake the hell up but I’m so fucking glad I did.
Things started to change when
I started working on myself, for me and started loving myself, for me. I started telling myself I was beautiful everyday until I started believing it. I started to work on my health and watch some of the things I ate and drank, for me. Walking daily became a normal part of my routine for me. I stopped drinking soda completely and trust me when I tell you Mountain Dew was my BFF. I started eating low carb and at first I was really strict with it. I’m more free with it now because Pizza is life, obviously. Doing small things that made me feel good solely because I wanted to and I was ready to was important. In the mix of all this, I also lost 30 lbs.
I stopped letting the word “fat” bother me, no matter who it came from. I’m simply not bothered by negative comments that comes my way. People who have the time to be mean have that same amount of time to be nice and chose not to be. That’s on them, not me. I matter to myself a lot more then their words matter to me.
I started putting myself first mentally. Before my work, before my friends and family, before my fiance and child, but I did it for me. Do you see the pattern there? This path I started on, was for me and that’s what made it so good. That’s what also makes me want to continue on it. All the mean comments I heard over the years simply went away, I let them go. I realized I’m special as fuck and who really gives a shit what anyone else has to say about me?
I read something once and it said “You have to choose yourself, even when others refuse to.” That really stuck with me, and it’s what I started doing. .
A message to that girl
To the old me, I’m sorry you were stuck in all those negative thoughts about yourself for years. That’s over and you’re never going back to that mindset. I’m sorry you had to listen to people belittle you about your weight, drop you like you didn’t exist and you assumed it was about your weight. That’s all in the past and we’re letting that shit go! We’re letting it go because now we know YOU’RE SPECIAL AS FUCK AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN!
If you’re struggling, take a break from it all and start fresh. Wake up and tell yourself you’re beautiful. Don’t just do it for one day continue to do it until you realize it’s the truth. Tell yourself you’re a boss ass bitch and no one can change that. Tell yourself you’re special as fuck. Change for you and no one else, change when you feel like you’re ready and then loathe in it. Start living your life for you and watch the happiness unfold. And always know you’re amazing, you’re worth it and be proud of yourself everyday. It’ll be hard but it will get easier, and it’s so damn worth it – I promise.
If I can do it, you can too! Let’s do it together! Live our best lives, loving ourselves fully no matter the circumstance.